


At the End of the Day

by Chubbygaygal



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Another book about homes, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cop Peggy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Nurse Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Past Character Death, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Sharon Carter Is a Good Bro, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve doesn't deal with emotions well, Steve owns a restaurant, Supressed emotions, Tags Are Hard, brock is a dick, everyone is basically a good bro except Brock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-20
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-08-26 17:54:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16686328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chubbygaygal/pseuds/Chubbygaygal
Summary: Steve finds out that it's possible to love again among other things.He meets Bucky on the subway and he couldn't begin to imagine how much change the man would bring to his life.





	At the End of the Day

**Author's Note:**

> I have a thing for homes. Also I know that the title makes no sense... I really didn't know what to put. And I was listening to MITAM album and the song came up ... "All I know at the end of the day is you love you love..." and I was like.. hey! that's not so bad. It was either that or another "Home" titled book
> 
> Also... I started writing this story from the middle. I hope it actually adds up.
> 
>  
> 
> Please enjoy,

Steve didn’t think he’d ever want to date again. He thought he was done. He  _ had  _ been done. Except for how that damn Bucky Barnes had just sneaked past his defenses.

He didn’t know when it happened really. He had been taking the subway, same as always, always looking down, either reading a book or listening to some music, but always looking down.

When he first saw Bucky, he'd forgotten to carry a book and his phone had just died. It had been close to midnight and only a few people around him. Including Bucky who was sat across of him. Bucky was in his mint green scrubs, looking like he’d had as long as a day Steve had, a two day stubble on his face. And then he’d caught Steve’s eye and smiled. Steve remembered thinking about how beautiful he looked when he smiled, despite the exhaustion. That and how it was sort of strange that he looked at Steve like he knew him.

“What? No book or music today?” Steve had been very confused by that question and it must have shown because Bucky threw his head back and laughed. “Dude, we’ve been using the same train for months now. You always have a book or your earphones on. The rest of the world doesn’t exist.”

Steve smiled a bit, thinking how this guy had been seeing him for months and he never noticed; never noticed anyone or anything around him. “Forgot my book. Phone died.”

“Well I for one I’m not complaining. I got to finally see what you really look like. I wasn’t sure if your eyes were blue but wow.”

Steve was at a loss for words for a few seconds because the guy was clearly flirting with him, Right? His cheeks felt warm and Bucky had shaken his head and laughed tiredly, his tone apologetic as he said, “Sorry dude. I’m exhausted. Just had two 12 hour shifts and I default to flirting when I’m tired.”

Steve shrugged. He wanted to say it’s okay but then he realized they were pulling up to his stop. The guy across from him had lifted his hand and saluted as Steve gathered his things to leave.

Steve had smiled at that. “Well… Until the next time….”

“Bucky.”

“Bucky.” Steve laughed. “Steve.”

“See you, Steve.”

Steve had walked home thinking about that interaction. He rarely socialized with anyone except his friends who took it upon themselves to make sure Steve didn’t become a hermit.

Bucky was probably one of those people that you became easy friends with. Steve hoped that he would bump into him on the train once in a while.

*

Steve’s work didn’t require him to go to everyday seeing as it was his restaurant. Two of them actually, since the Steggy had become such a hit in Brooklyn, he’d opened another chain in Manhattan. He’d drop by every once in a while to check on how things were going, meet with investors and meet with his employees and some head chefs and deal with a few issues, legal documents he had to sign, piles of paperwork… He didn’t mind it.

He loved Steggy. Sometimes he hated it though. He’d lost a lot because of putting in too many hours when it was first starting out and he was the head chef then.

Sighing as he entered the train, he went to sit in the corner, thinking about how he’d crawl into bed as soon as he got home. It had been a particularly busy week. They’d been a lawsuit issued against them by one of their suppliers because of some serious neglect by one of his managers. So between trying to settle and firing his manager and interviewing a few people for the newly vacant position, Steve was beat.

“You look worse than I do. And I’ve had a particularly terrible week.”

Steve looked up and saw Bucky giving him a tired smile, His hair last time had been in a neat bun with only a few strands loose but this time, it was loose and looked like Bucky had pulled on it a few times. Steve moved his bag from where he’d placed it next to him; an invitation. Bucky looked relieved and sat down next to Steve, groaning as he stretched, slumped down on the seat, his eyes closed.

Steve realized he hadn’t seen Bucky in almost two weeks. He had thought about him maybe once or twice after that night but promptly forgot about him with the mess at work. He’d spent the last week home, and then he’d been using cabs to get home because he couldn’t think about walking five blocks to the subway station with how tired he’s been.

“The week from hell it has been,” Steve murmured.

“God, I know!” Bucky said, sitting up,  his eyes still closed, head leaning on the seat behind him. “I could fucking for a drink right now. Too bad I’m sober.”

Steve raised his eyebrow, a little shocked that Bucky had just told him that.

“Shit!’ Bucky opened his eyes and sat up straight. “Did I say that out loud?” He groaned and slumped forward, burying his face in his hands. “Sorry. It seems like I can’t control my mouth around you.”

“It’s okay Bucky.” Bucky lifted his eyes too look at Steve and whatever he saw made him smile.

“It’s those freaking baby blues. Making me feel like I can trust you. A fucking siren, Steve.”

Steve laughed, surprised, first by Bucky’s words, then at the sound of his own laughter. “Shut up Bucky.”

Bucky grinned and leaned back into the seat. “And pass up the opportunity to see that pretty blush? Not on your life.”

Talking with Bucky was easy Steve realized. They became easy friends after that second meeting.

Bucky invited Steve to a baseball game the week after. They bumped into each other once on a Saturday and went for pizza and Steve couldn’t remember the last time he had so much fun.

They exchanged numbers and started texting frequently. Steve found out Bucky’s real name was James  _ Buchanan  _ Barnes and that Bucky was what his little sister because every other name was too hard for her.

Steve learned that Bucky had no more family left, a car accident when he had been camping out in the woods with friends. Bucky, as a resulted, chased numbness and made a few wrong decisions along the way but he said that someone remarkable had saved him. He talked about getting into nursing school.

Bucky knew grief like Steve did. And that only made Steve like Bucky more. They understood each other to some extent. Bucky always listened and Steve listened, too. They were both hurt by a lot of things, but were doing their best to make it through life anyway.

Steve shared too sometimes. He talked about his mum and how he missed her a lot. He talked about Steggy. He talked about his childhood, being sick and alone, but was grateful when he met his friends, Sam, Nat and Tony, in high school,  _ before  _ he stopped being awkward and gangly. (Never about her though.)

Sam noted the change in him during one of their Sunday BBQs with Tony, Tony’s girlfriend, Pepper,  Nat and Quill, Wade and Wanda, Sam’s neighbours and newest additions to the “squad.” They were out in the yard roasting meat as the rest of them were sat by the pool laughing at something Wade had said.

“You seem lighter.”

Steve shrugged. He did feel lighter. “Made a new friend.”

Sam smiled at him like a proud parent and Steve resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “That’s great, Steve.”

Steve really rolled his eyes this time. “Thanks, Daddy.”

Natasha came up behind him to grab a plate, “Steve. No. Only I get to call him that.”

Steve groaned. “I didn’t need to know that, Natasha.”

She winked at him as she passed Sam slapping Sam’s ass in the process. “You should invite your friend over.”

Steve paused, looking at Sam and Natasha, who looked serious. “Uh… I’ll have to ask him?”

“Aw Steve. You don’t want us to meet the friend you’ve been ditching us for?” Sam teased, but Steve could see that Sam was a little upset.

Steve sighed. It wasn’t like that. It wasn’t. Except it kinda was. Sam and the rest were people from his past, and Bucky was kinda not touched by any of the things of his past. And Steve selfishly wanted to keep those two separate. But Sam was looking all kinds of sad and Steve groaned. He’d vowed to be better to his friends who’s put up with a lot of his shit.

“Fine. I’ll invite him over next time.”

*

They loved him. Of course they did.

Bucky was charming and beautiful and made everyone feel like they were special.

It wasn’t something exclusive to Steve.

It was just who Bucky was.

Natasha found out pretty quick that Bucky spoke Russian (Steve hadn’t known that) and they made sure to speak to each other only in Russian. Natasha would probably have been smitten with Bucky if she wasn’t already madly in love with Sam.

Wanda and Bucky knew each other from high school and they reminisced about it, laughing and leaning into each other. Bucky really looked like his age around his friends and Steve didn’t know how he felt about it. Suddenly the three years between them felt like twenty.

Sam and Bucky talked about serving and medic stuff and Sam seemed as smitten with Bucky as his girlfriend was. Steve could literally leave right now and no one would notice.

“I can practically see the steam coming out of your ears.”

Steve turned to see Wade next to him, sipping on a soda. Steve had told Sam to provide some non-alcoholic drinks too because of Bucky and he’d noticed no one had drunk any more alcohol after Bucky had arrived. Bucky had said it was okay if they drunk, that it wouldn’t bother him but his friends, the freaking saints that they are, cut off their alcohol and stuck to soda. Even Tony had taken to soda when he sat with Bucky who had listened to him go on and on about tech stuff, actually looking interested in what Tony was saying, asking questions occasionally that set Tony off, and here they were, an hour later.

“There’s no steam coming from my ears.”

Wade snorted as he finished his soda. “And there are no scars covering my whole body.”

Steve sighed. He never really talked to Wade and vice versa. Wade was generally not very chatty except when he was next to Quill and they’d go around in circles telling dirty and dark jokes that got everyone laughing. Quill hadn’t been there today so Wade was kinda just hanging around laughing occasionally, contributing where necessary and mostly listening and observing.

He’d been in a fire and had suffered some pretty nasty burns as a result. But Steve thought the guy was doing pretty okay with his life. He had a weird looking hairless cat called Feathers and his wife Vanessa who showed up once in a while was pretty cool, too.

“You’re friend’s really cool.”

Something about how Wade said ‘friend’ made Steve narrow his eyes at the guy. “Yeah.”

“Don’t worry about these guys. He’s still your friend at the end of all this.”

“Why the fuck do you keep saying friend like that?” Steve grumbled, angrily. Steve hadn’t lost his temper in a while, but with how the whole evening was going and Wade provoking him, Steve felt the familiar emotion creeping in.

Wade gave him a knowing smile. “I don’t know actually. Why do you think you’re jealous?” Before Steve could say anything, Wade had walked away and Steve clenched his jaw to keep from shouting that he wasn’t jealous. Couldn’t be. Jealous? Ridiculous. Bucky was his  _ friend.  _ And Steve was happy that Bucky was hanging out with other people.

Bucky didn’t seem to have that many friends. Just a few work friends and his neighbour,  Gabe Jones and his sponsor Dugan. Steve was  _ glad  _ that more people were getting to see Bucky the way Steve saw him.

Brilliant. Kind. Strong. Beautiful. Caring.

“Steve?” Bucky approached Steve, a small smile on his face, but worry in his eyes. “You okay there?”

Steve tried for a smile. “Yeah. Just tired.”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah? I was thinking about leaving. I got to cover Sharon’s shift again and I need to get some sleep.”

Steve wasn’t sure why he felt relieved. “Yeah. Let’s head out.”

The group was sad to see them go but Sam and Tony made Bucky promise to come by often; that he was always welcome. Wanda and Natasha gave him a kiss on the cheek like they did when saying goodbye to their friends. Steve, despite how he was feeling before, was glad his friends had loved Bucky and “adopted” him to the group. Wade had given Steve a knowing look as Steve was leaving and Steve ignored it. Kinda.

Sitting in the back of the Lyft with Bucky seated close to him, shoulder to shoulder, Steve thought about Wade’s implication and his mood the whole evening. He thought of how he sometimes felt protective of Bucky. Steve was fortunate to have his friends through everything he’d been through.

Bucky had had no one for a while.

_ But now you have me,  _ Steve had once texted him during the late hours of the night when hearts were open and walls were down and Bucky had confessed how lonely it got sometimes.

Bucky had stayed a minute without texting, the bubble appearing and disappearing for a while before finally replying.  _ You have me too, Rogers. Til the end of the line.. _

As he had been saying goodbye to Sam, when Wanda had tucked a stray strand of hair behind Bucky’s ear, Steve had thought about how she had no right. He remembered thinking, _ Mine.  _ And twenty minutes later, as Steve walked Bucky to his door, he was wondering where that thought had come from and what it meant.

Did he like Bucky as more than a friend?

_ When  _ did had that happened?

Why was he looking at Bucky’s mouth as he talked?

_ Fuck. _

“Steve?”

Steve shook his head and smiled sheepishly at Bucky. “Sorry.” Bucky narrowed his eyes.

“You’ve been really quiet today.”

Steve rubbed the back of his head, apologetic. “Yeah. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.”

Bucky lifted a hand to Steve’s shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”

Steve could almost count the Bucky’s eyelashes with how close they stood. Bucky’s breath hitched just so and Steve saw something like longing in Bucky’s eyes.

He had an overwhelming urge to kiss the younger man and it must have been reflected in his eyes because Bucky moved closer. They met halfway and Steve couldn’t for the life of him relax.

“Hey.” Bucky said pulling away, with a small smile. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I’m good with being just your friend.” Steve could see that he meant it.

He sighed, looking back at his Lyft and then back at Bucky, He didn’t know what he wanted. He didn’t quite understand what was happening. He needed time.

“How about… a date? We go out for dinner and a movie… see how things go. If we don’t like it, we move on.” Bucky said, his face growing serious. “I’m serious, Steve. I don’t want to lose you. You’ve been … You’re very important to me. And... I don’t want to lose you okay? We don’t need to do anything you don’t want.”

Steve nodded. “I uh…. Talk later?”

Bucky smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Sure.”

Steve walked back to the car and didn’t look back. He didn’t see the look of utter panic and disappointment on Bucky’s face.

Instead, he run a hand over his face, a million questions running through his mind. He realized that somewhere down the line, he had started falling for Bucky and Bucky had probably been falling for Steve but he hadn’t realized it. The earnest way he’d looked at Steve after the kiss….

Either he’d really been oblivious or Bucky was really good at hiding it.

Lying in bed later that night, Steve contemplated what to do. He never thought he’d ever be in this position. He got out of bed and walked to the chest of drawers in front of it. Opening the sock drawer, Steve pulled out the only picture of her he kept within reach. All the other pictures of them were collecting dust in a box in the closet.

Steve took the photo back to bed and stared at it for a long time before picking up the phone.

“‘Sup Rogers! Got home okay?” There was some noise in the background. It sounded strangely like Tony and Natasha were singing.

Steve sighed. “I don’t know what to do Sam.”

Sam had probably moved into the house because it got quieter and it sounded like he was closing a door. “What’s up?”

“Bucky.” Steve said, unwilling to say everything he wanted to say. Every fear, hope, sadness, got stuck in his throat.

“Ah. I was wondering when you’d realize.”

“Realize what?” Steve asked, a little defensive.

Sam sighed. “That you liked him.” Steve kept quiet. “You know, I’ve been watching you two today. And… God, Steve. I guess I’m really glad you met the kid.”

“Sam, You’re 32. You know he’s only three years younger than us.”

“Still a kid.” Sam insisted. “And before I even met him, when you’d told me you’d made a friend… I had a feeling, there was more to it.”

Steve hugged Peggy’s picture to his chest.

“You’re not betraying her, Steve,” Sam said softly, as if he’d been reading his mind. But it just how they were sometimes. So in sync. Steve nodded, then shook his head, a sob coming up. Sam had definitely heard it. “You’re not Steve.” He hesitated a beat before adding, “It’s been four years now. She’d get it, Steve. She would. She wouldn’t want you to be alone forever. She’d want you to live your life uninhibited.”

Steve cried silently and Sam stayed on the line with him until Steve’s tears ran out.

“You don’t have to. But Steve? I really think … I think you should try and see what could happen. I think you and Bucky have something here.”

Steve said nothing for a while. “Thanks Sam. I’ll uh think about it.”

“Always Steve. Goodnight man. I love you.”

“Love you too Sam.”

He stared at Peggy’s picture again after he hang up.       

“I think Sam’s right, Peggy. I-I think you’d want me to do this?” He sighed, closing his eyes before giving the picture a shaky smile. “I think you’d like him, too. He’s really great.”

Steve took his phone again and texted Bucky. He was scared and hopeful at the same time. But they were just seeing where this went. Maybe it would suck and they would realize that they were better off as friends. Maybe it would be amazing. The latter scared Steve terribly. Bucky was already so important to him. He didn’t know if he could open himself up just to lose it all again. Steve thought of Bucky who’d lost his family and a close friend; who had hit rock bottom and pulled himself out and who was also brave enough to open up to Steve anyway.

**_I hear Game Night is a good movie to watch at the cinemas_ **

Looking at the time, Steve realized it was quarter after midnight. Damn. Bucky was probably asleep. Putting the photo of Peggy on the nightstand, Steve got into bed and tried not to panic.

His phone buzzed not more than two minutes later.

**_I know a great Italian hole-in-the-wall place … great for dinner after a movie_ **

Steve huffed out a laugh. He went to reply but saw that Bucky was still texting.

**_Are you sure?_ **

Steve sighed.  **_No. But… I’d like to see where this goes.. With you._ **

Bucky was silent for a while but before he Steve could panic, a reply came through.

**_Wednesday 6 pm okay?_ **

**_Perfect.. I’ll pick you up?_ **

**_Ok._ **

**_Goodnight Bucky._ **

**_Night Steve._ **

*

The movie went great. It was like how they usually were when they hang out. They left the movies talking about the movie and laughing as they walked to the restaurant.

The minute they’d sat down and ordered, the nerves kicked in. Steve didn’t meet Bucky’s eyes for a while until he did and saw Bucky doing the same thing. When they met each other’s eyes, they both laughed, easing the nerves a little.

“Shit. This is nerve wracking. I know you, Steve. Why am I nervous?”

Steve laughed, trying to relax. “I’m nervous too. Haven’t exactly dated anyone since college.” Steve saw the question in Bucky’s eyes but Bucky didn’t ask.

“I’ve had maybe two dates in the past three years? Mostly I wasn’t ready. Then I didn’t have time. Then I  got used to it… being by myself.”

“Getting used to the lonely.” Steve murmured.

“Yeah.” Bucky said, a soft smile on his face. “That and the last dude I went on a date with was a complete asshole. Figured it was a sign.”

Steve looked at his hands on the table. “And why now?”

Bucky looked away from him, as if thinking about his answer. Then he laughed, looking back at Steve, a soft blush on his cheeks. “I’ve been infatuated with you for months, you know. Before we started talking…. I’d try and not stare at you the whole time. I just felt like you’d understand the big black inside me… ‘cause I could sense it in you, too. I’d make up all these stories in my head. About who you were… your job, if you had a family, if you were a cat or dog person…” He went quiet for a while, his face serious his gaze a million miles away past Steve’s shoulder, then he laughed again. Steve decided that he really loved Bucky’s laugh.

“And then when we started talking…I knew you’d gone through some shit and I just wanted to be there for you, you know? Not even romantically. You just seemed like you needed someone.” He hid his face in his hands. “God, I sound ridiculous. I’m sorry I’m creeping you out.”

Steve smiled, taking his hand in his across the table. “It’s sweet.”

Bucky seemed to settle as he laced his fingers with Steve’s. “This is so fucking scary, though.”

Steve huffed out a surprised laugh. “Tell me about it.” Looking at their fingers on the table, Steve decided to tell Bucky some version of what happened, wanting Bucky to know what he was walking into. “I had…. someone. Highschool sweethearts. She uh died a few years ago.”

Bucky squeezed his hand, not saying anything. Steve took a minute before looking up. He didn’t know what he’d expected. He was looking at Steve with understanding and empathy. Of course. Bucky  _ had  _ lost people. Plural. He understood.

Their food came and they ate in companionable silence, until Bucky nudged a meatball at Steve’s direction with his fork, a puppy look on his face making Steve burst out laughing because he understood that reference. The little sombre mood that was still around dissipated and they started joking and talking about the movie some more. Steve talked about High school and the stupid shit he’d get up to and Sam looking at him disappointed every time he had to “rescue”  him. Bucky talked about his family; about his sister Becca and about how she was his best friend. How she once kicked some guy in school in the balls for teasing him about being gay.

“She was just one year younger than me, so we were basically like twins, you know?” Bucky smiled, sadly as he stared at his pie.

“You miss her.” It wasn’t a question.

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Always.” Then he looked up at Steve. “That’s why I was so happy to see Wanda, you know? She and my sister were usually so close. She was basically like my sister, too. But then Becca died and… I think it was too painful to keep in touch for the both of us. So we kinda just parted. Sunday, though… I’m glad we reconnected.”

Steve nodded. Then laughed. “I was uh… kinda jealous?”

Bucky stared at him in disbelief. “Of Wanda? Steve!” Bucky laughed. “I’m gay!”

“Well I didn’t know that up until five minutes ago,” Steve said, his cheeks flushing. “I thought you were bi.”

Bucky shrugged, laughter in his eyes. “Well I didn’t know you were interested in guys up until Sunday night, so…”

Steve laughed. “I guess it never came up. I assumed you were bi because you kinda flirted with me that first time we talked and that time you were flirting with that girl at the store.”

“Allie knows I’m gay. We flirt for fun.” Bucky said, shaking his head. “Plus, I - I don’t know. If someone asks me if I’m gay, I’d never deny it. And I wear rainbow pins sometimes. And on Pride marches, I wear the shit out of rainbow colors. But I don’t go announcing it, no offense to those who do. I am not hiding it. I am proud, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not the only thing about me.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, I understand what you mean.” Steve took a bite of his chocolate cake. “Me too? I mean uh… I dated two guys in Uni… until we reconnected with uh.. her. But I knew I was bi. Me being with a woman after didn’t change anything.”

Bucky nodded. “Well, I for one… I’m glad you’re bi.” He winked and Steve laughed.

After they were done, they walked to Bucky’s since it wasn’t too far. They didn’t talk much, just walked, shoulders occasionally bumping into each other with how close they were as they walked. Steve felt warm, and dare he say it, happy. It went well, he thinks. And even though he was still scared as fuck, he thought it was worth it. Bucky, was worth it.

“You deserve the world, Steve. You deserve happiness. You deserve to live life so fully… You deserve to love again. And I’m saying this as your friend, not your date. It doesn’t have to be with me. But you deserve it, Steve.” Bucky said when they got to his apartment door.

Steve moved closer to Bucky, a hand on the younger man’s cheek. Bucky shivered a little, and Steve was glad he was as affected as he was. And then he leaned down and kissed Bucky. Slow at first, savoring, testing, tasting. Bucky hands went around his shoulders, pressing himself closer. Steve’s other hand went around Bucky’s waist. He didn’t know how long they stood there making out. Bucky pulled back to catch his breath and rested his forehead on Steve’s shoulder.

Giggling, he whispered into Steve’s sweater. “Shit.”

Steve chuckled, resting his cheek on Bucky’s head. “Hey Bucky?” Steve whispered.

“Hm?”

“I like you.” His voice shook at the end, making Bucky lift his head to look at Steve.

“I like you, too, Stevie.” Bucky’s eyes looked a little glassy.

“I think I also like that nickname.” Steve said, trying to shake the fear. Bucky laughed, ducking his head.

“Stevie it is.” Then Bucky looked at him, putting one of his hands on Steve’s cheek, caressing lightly. “We’ll go slow, yeah?”

Steve nodded, grateful. Dipping down, Steve kissed Bucky one last time. “Goodnight, Bucky.”

“Night Stevie.”

*

Bucky turned back to look at Steve as if he’d sensed the older man’s eyes on him smiling shyly.

Steve smiled back at him, feeling his heart swell.

Seven months. He and Bucky had been dating for five of those. Was it possible to fall for someone so hard and fast over such a short period of time?

They’d been going slow as promised, hanging out as they used to before they became more. Bucky hang out with Steve and his friends too. They’d accepted him into the group as if he was always there. Wanda and Bucky hang out independently too sometimes and Nat had decided to adopt Bucky as her little brother somehow and they’d also kind of hangout together to.

But there was more. Steve loved kissing Bucky. The intimacy. Suddenly, it’s like Steve couldn’t get enough.

Sometimes he’d go to Bucky’s and eat some of the food Steve usually brought from Steggy and then go to bed, limbs tangled together.

It took them sometime to get physically intimate, despite the number of times they both got hard during make out sessions.

Steve had cried afterwards, overwhelmed by the intensity of it all. It had definitely been a while since he’d had sex… and with Bucky.

It hadn’t been planned; they’d both gotten off from work and gone through their normal routine and fallen into bed. Then Steve had woken up suddenly in the middle of the night to find Bucky awake, staring up at at the ceiling.

“You okay?” Steve whispered, his eyes still heavy with sleep.

Bucky turned his head to look at him, giving him a small smile. “Yeah. Just....  thinking.”

Steve moved closer to Bucky, snuggling against him and Bucky had turned his whole body to face Steve. “Life’s so… unpredictable. And there’s all this shitty things happening to everyone. And there’s some good, too. And sometimes, it’s so easy to focus on the bad and forget the good.”

Steve looked at Bucky for a while. “You’re doing so well… Better than the rest of us.”

“Yeah… it’s still usually there though, you know? After losing so much… you start doubting anything good.”

Steve knew what Bucky had meant. There was still that nagging fear at the back of his mind, constantly stopping him from giving  himself completely to Bucky… Afraid that if he opened up fully, life would come and find a way to take it away anyway.

Bucky smiled. “I’m so glad I met you Steve.”

Steve smiled back and then kissed him, trying to put everything he felt into that kiss. And then Steve felt like it wasn’t enough. He’d needed. He’d needed…

“Bucky.” He moaned. Bucky had pulled back and looked at Steve for a beat smiling softly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I need you.”

Bucky nodded and was suddenly on him, kissing him heatedly. When he’d sank into Steve, they’d paused, stared at each other. Everything felt overwhelming and intense and amplified. When Steve had come with Bucky not far behind, Steve had stared at the ceiling, Bucky’s face buried in his neck, twitching still with the aftershocks of his orgasm.

Then he was crying, hit with the realization that Bucky…. If he wasn’t already there, he was well on his way to being completely in love with Bucky. And if he lost him… Steve didn’t want to think about it. Steve was scared. Steve felt absolutely terrified.

Bucky wiped them both off without leaving Steve, and then lifted the covers to cover both of them, and held Steve, not saying a thing. He looked as shaken as Steve felt.

Bucky came back with their tacos and soda in his arms from the food truck  and sat next to Steve on the park bench next to the hospital. It was nice outside and Steve had come to the hospital for lunch with Bucky because he was in the area. They only had an hour before Bucky had to go back. They ate fast, Bucky’s leg over Steve’s, Bucky telling Steve of the crazy case they had had that morning. When they were done, Bucky had kissed Steve quick but passionate, promising Steve to cook dinner when Bucky came over that night  and then he was gone.

Steve had still been sat  on the bench enjoying the sun on his face when he saw someone he knew walking towards him, He wasn’t in his uniform like the last time Steve had seen him, but it still made Steve heart sink.

“Hey there Rogers.”

“Brock.”

“How’s it going?”

“Oh you know. It’s going.”

Brock nodded, as if he understood. “Uh yeah. So look… not to be… The guy you were with just now…”

Steve narrowed his eyes at Brock.”What about him?”

Brock looked at Steve, a hard look on his face. “Do you know about him and Peggy?”

Steve’s heart started racing. “What? No. You’re… You must have him confus--”

Brock sighed, looking away. He had been Peggy’s partner all those years ago. They didn’t always get along and Peggy sometimes complained about him, but apparently they worked well together.

“James Barnes. Peggy knew that kid. Helped him out sometimes when he got himself into shit.” Then Brock looked at Steve with something like pity painted on his face. “James was there when Peggy died. Peggy was meeting up with him.”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows looking at Brock then the hospital. He kept shaking his head, in denial or seeking clarity, he didn’t know. Steve stood up, wanting to run and go… anywhere. He couldn’t seem to understand.

“Look I can send you the report if you don’t believe me. I’m just trying to look out for you. James isn’t a good person.”

“I have t-to uh … go.” And then he was almost speed walking away from Brock.

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Bucky would have told him. Bucky would have said something when Steve showed him the picture of Peggy, right?

Steve thought about how weird Bucky got after. How quiet he felt.

Could he… Would he…?

Steve didn’t know what to think. What to believe.

So he walked home, lost in his head, waiting for night to come. Waiting for Bucky to come and tell him that it was a lie. That he didn't know anything. Because … What if it was true? And Bucky  _ knew.  _ That Bucky was  _ there  _ when Peggy died.

Steve didn’t know when he got back home, but it was almost nightfall when he did. Steve sat on the couch, numb, waiting for it to be a lie.

Steve told Bucky about Peggy about a month later. Bucky had started to come over to Steve’s after their first time. Steve had decided to embrace the fear… somehow. The first step was to invite Bucky into his space. That night, they’d been cuddling on the bed, watching something on Netflix on Steve’s laptop… well Bucky was. Steve had sort of been panicking. He didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, or how Bucky would take it.

“I want to show you something.” Steve whispered. Bucky pressed pause as Steve reached out to the nightstand and took out the frame, face down. He took a moment before he turned the frame and then showed it to Bucky. He didn’t feel Bucky freeze since he was a little emotional. He didn’t see the blood draining from Bucky’s face since Bucky’s back was pressed against his front.

“Her name was Peggy. She uh.. She was pretty badass.” He laughed, his voice a little choked. “I think she would have liked you.”

Bucky had laughed then, and it might have sounded forced, but Steve hadn’t noticed that either. Instead, Bucky had turned a little and hugged Steve hard to him, whispering, “I’m sorry” severally. Steve had assumed it was comfort, empathy,as he hugged Bucky back, tight. Steve hadn’t seen Bucky shedding a few tears of his own, hadn’t seen the grief or guilt in his eyes.

*

* * *

 

*

Steve stared at the pictures of the report on his laptop that Brock had sent to him, not really seeing them. He probably was in shock, that’s why he didn’t hear Bucky calling his name until he entered the room a little, caution in his steps.

“Steve?”

Steve looked up and whatever Bucky saw on his face made him flinch and take a step back, overwhelming guilt and sadness in his eyes.

“How long have you known, James?”

Bucky winced loudly at that but Steve couldn’t make himself care. Not when he had lied. When he knew how important… After he had poured out his heart to talk about her.

“Since… when you told me about her… I-- I didn’t want it to be her… but it was. You showed me  her picture and… I’m so sorry, Steve.” Bucky openly sobs and a part of Steve wanted to get up and embrace him because Bucky never cries. Not really. He didn’t cry when he shared more about his family’s accident and how he’d struggled with survivor’s guilt for a while. Or how about how he lost a good friend. But he was filled with so much anger. Betrayal.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me when you saw her picture then?”

Bucky rubbed roughly over his face in an attempt to probably compose himself. “Because I’m a coward. And I’m selfish… I didn’t want to lose you. A-and… and I wanted to get just a few more days before -- I was coming to tell you. Pegg--”

Steve stood up abruptly, and throwing the laptop back with a growl. Bucky’s face crumpled, a plea on his face, love in his eyes.

“Don’t you fucking say her name. Get out!”

“Steve--”

“Get the FUCK out! I never want to see you again!”

Blood drained from Bucky’s face, frozen in place. Steve couldn’t do this. He walked towards Bucky with purpose and grasped the younger man’s arm and squeezed. “Stay the hell away from me.”  He shoved him out of the door and banged the door on his face. He heard the sobs in the hallway, but Steve ignored them, going to his room, curling in on himself and finally let himself cry.

*

It had been about a week when Sam decided he’d had enough of being ignored by Steve and stopped by. There was two boxes of pizza and a six pack between them. Steve wasn’t hungry so he reached for his fourth beer of the day (the first as far as Sam was concerned); something he’d been having in excess of in the past week.

He hadn’t touched alcohol ever since Bucky had told him about his past, but now he didn’t give a damn. James fucking Barnes be damned. Good riddance. He didn’t miss him. He didn’t. Even if he had thought he had loved him. That obviously was a mistake… He was just... lonely, yeah that was it. He was just lonely  and James fucking Barnes was there and saying and doing everything right. He didn’t love him. He didn’t.

“Steve.”

“Samuel.” He mocked. He was probably being childish. He didn’t care.

“Steve.” Sam said, more firmly.

“No.”

Sam sighed, frustration evident. “You can’t be angry forever. It wasn’t Bucky’s fault--”

“Fucking hell, Sam. I don’t want to hear it. I ignored all your texts and calls for a fucking reason.”

Sam clenched his jaw and looked away.

Steve felt bad. He didn’t want to use the guy as a fucking emotional punching bag; but Sam knew better. Steve had wanted space.

“I had to convince Natasha that I come instead.”

Steve scoffed. Of course she did. Natasha had really taken a liking to Bucky. She was probably taking his side instead of Steve’s.

“There are no sides here man,” Sam said as if reading his mind. “And yeah, maybe the kid should have told you but I understand his reason--”

“No fucking sides my ass.” Steve mumbled as he finished his beer.

“Goddamn it, Steve. I get it, okay? I get it. It hurts. And she shouldn’t have died. She shouldn’t. But it happened, and it’s not Bucky’s fault.”

Steve threw the bottle to his side and stood up so fast, the chair he had been sitting on fell with a loud bang. “Why the fuck did he have to survive it and not her? What! You want to tell me it was all some plan, destiny or fucking fate that she die in and he live?”

“Steve.” Sam sounded sympathetic, eyes wide, possibly from the outburst.

“She wasn’t supposed to die! She wasn’t even  _ supposed  _ to be on duty that night. She was coming home  to me, Sam.” Steve pulled at his hair, hard, to keep himself from crying. He’d already cried enough, except for how tears were running down his cheeks anyway.

Sam stayed quiet for a while, Just staring at Steve, before he said, “And Bucky would  have died. And you would never have gotten the chance to know him.”

Steve snapped his head to Sam, opening his mouth to say  _ “So what?” “It wouldn’t have mattered. I would still have Peggy.” _

It was all true. He would have gone on with his life, blissfully unaware. And Bucky would have been dead and he wouldn’t have had a fucking clue.

“She was going to divorce you, Steve,” Sam said with a sad but firm tone, with something like determination in his eyes.

Steve turned and punched the dry wall behind him before screaming at Sam. “You fucking don’t know that!”

Sam smiled, sadly, almost pitying Steve, and Steve clenched his fists with an effort not to punch Sam in the fucking face.

“You know I know, Steve. She told me. And I know that we never talked about it because I didn’t see the point. But Steve, I can’t let you lose the kid because you’re still hanging onto something that wouldn’t even have been by now. It was over and you know it..”

Steve punched Sam.

*

_ “Steve, come on.” _

_ “No, Peggy. You come on!” _

_ Peggy sighed audibly. They’d been having the conversation for almost three weeks now. After five years of marriage, they’d sort of just been drifting. _

_ Between her job and his, they barely saw each other anymore. And they stopped trying. Steve can acknowledge that he stopped trying.  Peggy had never wanted kids and Steve was okay with that.. _

_ “But we can do better. We can save this Peggs!” _

_ Peggy didn't say anything and Steve started panicking. It really felt like she had made her mind up about this a long time ago. That she'd gone through the motions of accepting that they were done and was just waiting for Steve to catch up. _

_ “Peggy. Please. Look… We can talk about this when you come back home tonight, yeah? I'll make us some amazing lasagna and… We can talk about it please.” _

_ Peggy had smiled, it didn't reach her eyes, but she said, “Sure, Steve.” _

_ It went well. And they tried. They made time for dates and tried to spend as much time with each other as they could. But  five months later and they started going back to old habits slowly. Spending too much time at work and not coming home; barely seeing each other, or talking to each other. _

_ And then that morning Peggy had woken him up as she was almost leaving. She looked sombre and Steve felt a sense of deja vu as she looked at him. Still he had insisted they talk about it just like the last time. Insisted that they could try. _

_ Peggy had shook her head and said, “I’m not happy, Steve.” _

_ Steve had paused then, not knowing what to say to that. Because he didn’t think he was happy, too. Didn’t think he had been happy in a long time. But he was still unwilling to let it just go. At the same time,  he loved Peg more than anything and she wasn’t happy; and Steve, if he was willing to admit it to himself, had known she hadn’t been happy in a long time, She stayed because she loved him. So he told Peggy that they would really talk about it and not just plaster a band-aid on it like last time. _

_ “Steve, I don’t want a repeat of last time.” _

_ He sighed and then smiled at her, tucking away a stray lock that had escaped her bun. “I promise it won’t be like that.  All pretences aside this time. And I won’t be as stubborn this time. I’ll listen.” _

_ Peggy smiled, then hugged him tightly. “You know I love you though, Steve. Whatever the outcome… I love you always,” _

_ Her voice wobbled at the end and Steve had to swallow the lump in his throat before he said,”I love you, too Peggy darling.  We’ll talk tonight.” _

_ She pulled back and smiled at him, red lipstick perfect on her lips, the early morning sun shining on her face, making her hair glow golden and her eyes shine. _

_ Steve would remember that image of her when he gets the call late that night as he sets the table. _

*

Steve came in from work late, exhausted, just wanting to change out of his clothes and pass out.

Natasha was in his living room, Of course she was. She’d probably made herself a copy. He wasn’t surprised.

“Natasha I don’t have the energy--”

Natasha bolted to her feet and when she came close to him, Steve saw anger in her eyes.

“That’s okay, Steve. Because I’m not here to tell you anything you don’t already know.” She paced once in front of him before coming to stand before him again, “I’ll forgive you for punching my fiance in the face. He practically wanted you to do that idiot.”

It had been another week since Sam had come over and his friends had really left him alone after that. Then Steve caught onto fiance and went to open his mouth to say something but Natasha wasn’t done.

“I won’t tell you that you’re a selfish piece of shit. You already know that. I won’t tell you that you’re an idiot for pushing away your family. I won’t even  tell you that you’re the biggest fucking coward! Live in denial for all I care. Hold on to the fucking past. It’s your life.” Steve clenched his jaw, not wanting to lash out this time. He’d done enough damage with Sam already. Natasha saw the movement and smiled, threateningly. “You gonna hit me, too, Rogers?”

He sighed heavily, not willing to get himself provoked.

He’d already lost his temper too many times the past couple of weeks. And he wasn’t lying when he said he didn’t have the energy. Sam had left after Steve had punched him, saying nothing. Steve had sat on his kitchen floor the whole day, staring at his hands.

Sam had unlocked the thought he’d repressed deep in his mind; it was all he thought about during the week.

He remembered discovered the divorce papers that had been hidden among some documents of hers as he was clearing out the house a year after she had passed, Remembered how utterly broken he’d felt and how he had mourned all over again. He’d lost her anyway. She was just giving him time to realize what apparently she had. That they were no longer in love with each other, They just loved each other as friends and had been living like roommates for a while.

Steve had always refused to acknowledge it. But he always knew. He was just a stubborn little shit.

Natasha sighed, reaching into her hoodie pocket to show an envelope. “I’m sorry, Steve. This can’t be easy for you at all. We’re trying to understand that and give you space. But you’re also making a huge mistake, trying to hold on to the past. The world is still spinning. And life is still going on with or without you. We love you, okay? But that means we don’t let you waste your life away, Barnes or no Barnes. You gotta start living again.”

She slapped the envelope on his chest and when he lifted his hand to take it, she let her hand stay there for a beat before she said, “You’re not the only one who lost her. We all did. And we still hurt Steve. But you kinda did make it like you had the monopoly of grieving her. Get out of your head, Rogers.” She scolded him softly before she kissed his cheek and then she was gone, leaving Steve reeling with her words.

Ignoring the ache in his chest, Steve went and sat on the couch where Natasha had been, dropping his bag next to him as he looked at the envelope. It was written  _ “Steve”  _ on the top. It was Bucky’s handwriting.

Steve run his hand over his face a few times before he dropped the envelope on the glass coffee table, trying to mentally prepare himself to read it. There was a metal clunk against the glass and Steve frowned. He picked the envelope and opened it.

_ It couldn’t be. _

He must have gasped loudly. Because right there under the letter, was Peggy’s bracelet with the white star charm attached to it. Peggy had told him she’d lost it… yet here it was.

Steve hurriedly took the letter and opened it to get some sort of explanation.

_ Stevie, _

_ I’ll miss calling you that. Don’t know if I have any right calling you that anymore… but just this once. _

_ I’m so fucking sorry… for not telling you about ~~Peggy~~ her. I swear that I had no intention of deceiving you… Never. _

_ I just… fuck. Steve you gotta know that I love you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. And when you showed me that picture of her… my heart broke. Because I knew that I could never be enough for you. I already knew I was never going to be enough for you because of someone you had loved so greatly… but to find out who it was… _

_ And I- I guess I was okay with it, you know? I just …I promised myself one week. One week with you before I told you. It was selfish. I know. I know. I just needed it, you see? Before I lost it- you- us. She gave me her bracelet, the third time she met me. I was high on booze and something else and sat with me as they were going to process me. And she told me that I had a choice. To continue wasting my life away running away from whatever had happened to me…or to move forward and be better. And make a few people proud. I told her I didn’t have anyone anymore. _

_ She told me that now I had her to make proud… She told me that she was given that charm by her husband when they were younger, and she had to move from Brooklyn to Canada for a while… that it meant to guide her back home, wherever home was… And she said now it was mine… to guide me home, wherever that was. _

_ God, Steve. She saved my life. I finally had someone in my corner. And I fought so hard… I’m sorry I got her killed, Steve. I swear… I swear… It all happened so fast. And that bullet was supposed to be for me. But she… _

_ I will never forgive myself. _

_ And I understand, you know. I do. She was perfection. And you were never mine to love. There was only going to be her. And I get it. I hate that she died. I hate that I got to live as a result. I hate that you had to hurt like that… _

_ But I don’t- in some twisted fucking way… I’m glad I got the chance to love you. To know you. To be with you. I can’t find it in me to ever regret the last seven months. They’ve been- God. I’m so glad to have loved you Steve Rogers. _

_~~I~~ ~~hope~~ ~~wish~~ f ~~uck~~ You deserve the whole fucking world and a shit load of happiness. Lord knows you’ve earned it. Let yourself live please. You’ve got this one life… And it would be so unfair if you wasted it angry and upset. _

_ Bucky. _

*

Sam stared at him for a long time and Steve tried not to hide behind any pretense. He was ashamed really. Sam had been there for him always. And he had treated him like crap. He had treated all his friends like shit. And they put up with it. Steve winced internally when he saw the fading purple bruise on his cheek.

“Can I come in?” He asked, trying for an apologetic smile.

Sam regarded him for a minute before he said, “That depends. Are you gonna physically assault me if I do?”

Steve sighed, “I’m so sorry, Sam. I’ve been an asshole. There’s no excuse.”

Sam moved aside after a moment, his face unreadable.

It had been about two days since Natasha had come over and Steve had actually decided to think things through like an actual adult and not some dick with a temper. He came upon several realizations during the last 48 hours, barely sleeping.

“You need to get that fucking temper of yours in check, Steve.” Sam said after putting a bottle of water in front of him. No beer. Sam had been bitten once, Or punched, He wasn’t looking to be punched again. He sat next to him on the couch.

“I uh… I booked an appointment with Dr Cho? The therapist you recommended--”

“Two years ago. Yeah. Good for you.”

Sam was still pissed. He understood it. Didn’t expect any less.

“I found divorce papers… a year after she uh,” Steve cleared his throat. Sam actually looked at him this time, surprise in his eyes. “I’ve been trying to -- It’s like I took it.. and all the talk of divorce and separation… and put them all in a box and forgot about them. Didn’t acknowledge them. Like it never happened. Like we’d always been happy.”

Sam nodded, like he understood. “I didn’t know about the divorce papers. She just told me that she didn’t see the future anymore. I told her to try. She said that you had both tried. And it didn’t work. Told me it was for the best.”

Steve nodded. He stared at his hands for a while before whispering the thought that had been haunting him for a while.

“She died unhappy… because I was so fucking stubborn.”

Sam groaned his dissent before crossing the couch to embrace his friend as a sob tore through his chest.

“No Steve.., That’s not true. She wasn’t unhappy.” Steve protested but Sam interrupted him. “She had her work and that made her happy. And she got to help people and that made her happy. And she had her friends. And her best friend, Angie. And you too. The marriage maybe and what it had turned you two to… But she wasn’t completely unhappy.” Steve pressed his face into Sam’s chest, willing himself not to cry. “If Peggy stayed, it’s only because she wanted to. She wouldn’t have stayed just because you told her… You know, as well as I do, you could never tell Peggy Carter what to do.”

Steve huffed out a laugh. That did sound plausible. It would still take a while to stop blaming himself though.

They stayed like that for a while; he was fortunate to have Sam, who would platonically cuddle him on the couch without feeling weird or “less manly.”

Then Steve remembered something important and pulled away, groaning. “Fuck Sam. You should hate me. Fuck. You got engaged.”

Sam smiled then, a small one. “I got engaged.”

Steve laughed and hugged Sam to him tightly. “Fuck Sam. Congratulations,”

Sam squeezed him back. “Thank you.” After a beat he said, “I don’t hate you. But you lost your position as Best Man at the wedding.”

Steve pulled back and nodded, hurt but it was understandable. He tried smiling. “I understand. I fucked up.”

“You fucked up.” Then he punched Steve on his shoulder. Hard. “Earn it back. I don’t want to have to choose between Quill and Tony.”

Steve laughed, a little relieved, He was so lucky to have such great friends. It was time to stop taking them for granted. He settled back into Sam’s arms and they stayed like that for a while each in their own thoughts until Steve broke the silence.

“I don’t know what to do about Bucky.”

Sam stilled, then exhaled deeply. “Do you love the kid?”

Steve nodded. He’d been trying this new thing called acknowledging his feelings about things and people, instead of denying them. They never really went away. They just waited to explode and hurt everyone close. He realized he had been angry at Peggy for giving up, even if it didn’t make sense. He was mad at her for dying. He was mad at himself for keeping her in an unhappy marriage. But if he really thought about it, he wasn’t mad that Bucky got to live. 

It sucked that she had to die, and he’d miss her always… but she’d have jumped in front of anyone and taken a bullet for them. He’d once taken a bullet to the shoulder for Brock and he wasn’t her favorite person.  It’s just that… it was Bucky that day. Bucky who’d been carrying that guilt with him for a long time. Who’d still opened up to Steve anyway after losing everything and everyone. Including Peggy.

“Do you blame him for living instead of Peggy?” Sam asked, as if he was reading his mind.

So Steve told him, “Peggy would have jumped in front of anyone. It’s who she was.” Sam squeezed his shoulder, as if telling him that was the right answer.

“Do you see a future with him?” Sam asked. Steve thought about this. He  _ had  _ been thinking about how he could finally look forward to the next year. And the year after that… if Bucky was there. So that’s probably a yes, too. So he nodded.

Sam pulled back to look Steve in the eye. “You’ve both been through a lot of shit and you both blame yourselves somehow for Peggy’s death. You both have a ton of shit to work through.” Sam shook Steve a little. “It won’t be easy. It won’t. You both need to be kicked out of your heads. But that’s why you are perfect for each other.

“You and Peggy had a great love. And that will never change. Even if it burned out towards the end. You still loved each other so much. You would still have been close with her if she was still around. You and Bucky… it’s different from the love between you and Peggy but it’s still so great.” Steve nodded. Bucky was the farthest thing from Peggy and Steve loved him with such great ferocity it scared him. Because it meant opening himself up to the possibility that he could lose him… if he hadn’t already. Peggy and Steve burned for each other for a long time. And at some point that fire had stopped  burning so bright. They’d fallen for each other hard. Bucky… Steve had sort of settled into love with Bucky. Calm. Sneaky even. It just happened.

“You will be okay, Steve.”

“What if he doesn’t want me back?”

Sam shook his head. “You can’t know that Steve. You have to try anyway.”

Natasha found them cuddled on the couch watching  _ Johnny Test.  _ She raised her eyebrow at Sam. Sam shrugged then nodded, smiling. Natasha huffed and joined them, sitting in between them.

“Glad you came back to your senses.”

Steve smiled. “Thank you.” She huffed again but took his hand and linked their fingers together, while leaning her head on Sam’s head.

Steve had been trying to go through it all alone, but didn’t even notice that his friends had been right there with him. He was glad he had friends as stubborn as him. He just needed to know  _ when  _ to be stubborn and when to let go.

*

Sharon Carter was an intimidating woman even with her baby blue scrubs. She came up just at his shoulders but Steve felt like he was 12 and Sarah Rogers was scolding him for one thing or the other. She crossed her hands and lifted an eyebrow at him. Steve wondered if all the women whose surname was Carter were just intimidating as a result.

It was barely 2pm and Steve hadn’t been sure if Bucky was around. But there was no answer when he’d gone by his apartment. Gabe had been coming up the stairs as Steve was leaving. The glare that he got made him swallow loudly.

“Fix it or I swear to God... “ And then he’d disappeared into his apartment. Steve really hoped he could. The hospital had been next.

“I won’t say this again, Steve Rogers. Get out.”

Steve had the urge to turn and leave but he stood his ground. “Please.”

“How dare you!” She shot at him. “How dare you come here looking like a kicked puppy asking to see him after how you treated him.” Steve opened his mouth mostly to defend himself but she wasn’t done. “And the worst thing about it is he thinks he deserves it! Congratulations, you broke the kid.”

Steve hang his head in shame. “I didn’t mean to… Let me just talk to him please. I just want to explain… and then I’ll leave him alone.”

“No.” Sharon wasn’t going to budge. Steve was about to plead again when he heard Bucky’s voice behind him.

“It’s okay Sharon.” Steve turned to look at Bucky and felt his heart break. He looked tired and resigned. He wasn’t in his scrubs and had a backpack on his back.

Sharon looked at Bucky with concern. “You sure?”

“Yeah. And since  _ someone’s  _ forcing me to go home… Let’s just get this over with.” Even though the last part was directed at Steve, he still didn’t meet his eyes. “I’ll see you Monday, Shar.”

Bucky walked towards the exit, not really saying anything to Steve. Steve looked back at Sharon who was glaring at him. “My husband’s CIA. I swear, I will make sure you disappear.”

Steve turned and followed Bucky who was crossing the road as he walked out of the hospital. Their bench. The last time everything was okay until it all went to shit.

They sat in silence for a while. Bucky leaned against the bench, closing his eyes. Steve couldn’t help it. He stared. Memorized Bucky’s features in case.... He was a little paler than usual, the dark around his eyes more prominent. But Steve still felt his chest ache. Bucky was beautiful. So very. And he really didn’t want to lose him. He’d tried to convince himself that first week that he wasn’t in love with Bucky. Tried to insist that it was just that Bucky was the first person he let in in a long time. But while that was true, it was more than that. It was who Bucky was. And how he made Steve feel.

“Just get it over with… please.” His voice cracked at the plea and Steve had to restrain himself from moving closer.

He took a breath. Then noticed a bit of blood at his temple. “Bucky are you hurt?”

Bucky stared at him confused. Steve gestured to his temple. Bucky touched where Steve gestured and his fingers came out coated with blood.  “Shit. Uh no. Bad… Patient’s … She uh tried to … must’ve nicked the jugular.” His hands were shaking now as he covered his face with them. “She’d been brought, she’d attempted to at school but they found her bleeding … no one checked her pockets.”

Steve moved closer to Bucky. “Let’s get you home. Come on.”

“I don’t… just do it Steve. Please. Say what you wanted to tell me so that I can go home. Just… do it.” Bucky sounded so resigned.

Steve didn’t know how to proceed. He vaguely decided that he’d rather Bucky’s anger. But Bucky wasn’t angry. This was worse. So much worse. And Steve had done this. And he had to try and fix it.

“I’ve been living in denial… this last few years.” He might as well start from the beginning, he thought as he stared at the road before them. “Peggy and I… we started out in high school, but we didn’t really get a lot of time before she moved to Canada because of her father’s job. I uh dated a few guys in college… and then she came back and we picked up where we left off.

“It was really good. We uh… we got married as soon as we finished college. Real young but we didn’t really care. But she was joining the force and I was starting Steggy and we never really had time for each other anymore. And I think we tried so hard… but it wasn’t enough. And she wanted to.. Uh… she wanted us to get a divorce?” Steve inhaled deeply, trying to lessen the tightness in his chest. “I just didn’t want to acknowledge that it was over? I mean, I still loved her. I guess we just fell out of love with each other at some point... maybe we hurried into it.” He paused to think about it. Would they have gotten married if they’d waited a year or two? Would he have met Bucky anyway?

He sat back on the bench, briefly looking at Bucky who was looking at him, his face passive.

“That morning… that she uh… Peggy...she told me that she was unhappy. She had the papers already… I think she was just waiting for me to realize that we no longer had that kind of future?” Steve sighed, running his hands over his face. “When she died, I couldn’t help but think that she’d died unhappy because I was too stubborn to face reality. And I kind of just… repressed everything, Refused to think about it. Like it never happened. And then when Brock told me-”

“Brock? That’s who told you?”

Steve nodded his head. Bucky swore, anger flashed in his eyes briefly before he closed them. “He was the guy I dated… tried to. He’s just so … argh. I rejected him. I found out he had a girlfriend and he wanted to keep me a secret. He didn’t understand why I... “ Bucky clenched his fists and unclenched them. “It wasn’t all his fault…  I just got with him because…in a twisted way, I thought I could remember Peggy or- fuck. Sorry. Sorry.”

“Bucky.” Steve said softly. “I’m the one who’s sorry.” Bucky turned to look at Steve with surprised confusion in his eyes. “I blew up on you….”

“No.. I deceived you! You had the right--” Bucky started, but Steve shook his head.

“No I didn’t. And even if Brock hadn’t told me, even if you had told me, I would have blown up.” Steve turned his body to face Bucky. “I told you how I repressed everything, right? I was a ticking time bomb, Buck. It was going to happen. And that’s my fault.”

Bucky shook his head, closing his eyes trying to keep the tears forming from falling but they did anyway. He opened his eyes and said, “I killed her Steve. I-I-I killed her. If I hadn’t called her to that cafe for coffee… she wouldn’t have been anywhere near that robbery and… she wouldn’t have taken that bullet for me. I just wanted to make her proud, Steve. I just wanted her to see how well I was d-d-doing.”

Steve took Bucky into his arms and held him. Bucky tried to struggle but Steve didn’t let him. Bucky composed himself after a few minutes, pulling away from Steve, wiping his face.. They sat in silence for a moment. Out in the open wasn’t the best place to do something like this but Steve didn’t particularly care about that.

“I thought about that for awhile, I won’t lie. Thought about it a lot. Wondered if she’d still be alive. Wondered if  _ you’d  _ still be alive.” Bucky kept his head down. “The thing is, Bucky, Peggy was a self sacrificing idiot sometimes, Which is ironic because that had been me during high school. We shared that in common. And being a cop… well, with that as a trait… it wasn’t the first time she’d been shot because she took a bullet for someone. She once jumped in front of  Brock and she didn’t like him. It just happened to be you. And it happened to be a fatal one. It wasn’t your fault, And it wasn’t her fault either. It was that guy who shot her. Shitty timing.”

Bucky said nothing, staring at his shaking hands, occasionally wiping the tears that escaped onto his cheeks, sniffling.

“You’re tired Buck. You… Let’s get you home.”

Bucky didn’t argue this time. They walked to the subway in silence, Bucky walking a little behind. They sat on opposite sides of the car, Bucky staring at the floor. Steve didn’t get off his stop. Bucky said nothing when he got off with him. When they got to Bucky’s apartment, Bucky walked straight into his apartment, leaving the door open, muttering that he was going to shower.

Steve took it as an invitation and entered the apartment, closing the door behind him. Bucky was generally a clean person and the only mess were the blankets on the couch and the take out boxes on the kitchen counter.

Not knowing what the protocol was when you dumped your boyfriend because he knew about your dead ex wife but you kinda didn’t want to live without him was, Steve decided to make tea. Peggy loved tea, God knows why, and it had rubbed off on him some.

When Bucky came out of his room, changed into clean clothes with his hair dripping, Steve was pouring hot water from the kettle into two cups with cinnamon tea bags he found in Bucky’s cupboard with some honey.

Bucky approached Steve slowly, uncertainty and confusion on his face. He looked at the tea before looking at Steve. He lifted his hands before letting them fall to his side.

“What do you want Steve? I don’t understand. I think… I think you don’t hate me for getting Peggy killed.. But I don’t understan-”

“I love you.” That shut Bucky up for a second. “What?” He sounded like maybe he didn’t believe Steve.

Steve wanted to resolve that. He walked around the counter separating them to stand close to Bucky. “I shouldn’t have kicked you out that day. And I know it’s no excuse, but … I had too much bottled up. And I should have dealt with them. But I didn’t. So when I exploded, You got the worst of it. Then Sam.”

Bucky lifted an eyebrow at that. Steve looked down. “I kinda punched him? But we’re okay now.” Bucky nodded, looking at Steve warily. “I’m seeing some head doctor now. And… obviously I’m not exactly okay. And Bucky I know, I know I don’t deserve a chance. But I’m hoping that.. We could try this again.” Steve turned to pace around the kitchen. “I’ve been thinking about that bracelet. And how it was supposed to lead you home… and… shit Bucky… I kind of think that meant... that maybe it led you to me.”

Bucky looked up at the ceiling for a while before bringing his face to his hands. Then he looked at Steve, tears in his eyes. “Steve. I don’t cry this much but somehow you’ve managed to make me cry more times this past three weeks than I have almost my whole life.” He inhaled deeply, pacing in front of Steve. He stopped suddenly then looked at Steve. “Peggy… she … she was my friend, okay? And I loved her. She was like the light at the end of a long, long tunnel. She wasn’t as unhappy as you think she was, okay? Sh-she loved her job. She loved you… she spoke about you when we met sometimes. And it was never with sadness.”

Steve nodded, feeling tears spring in his eyes. Sam had said it. Nat had repeated it. And now Bucky who spent the last moments with her.

“You know I really became a nurse because of her?” Steve raised his eyebrows. “Yeah. Uh… I’d kept wondering if I could have saved her or something. I mean... “ He sighed, looking away. “It bothered me. Kept thinking… because she … in my arms.”

Steve nodded. Bucky looked like he wanted to say more,,, like he’d wanted to say all this to Steve. “Now I know I couldn’t but… I’m sorry, anyway. Don’t tell me it wasn’t my fault,” he said when Steve opened his mouth. “I know? Except not really… that’s not the point. Steve… I’m sorry... that you lost her.”

Steve nodded. “I’m sorry, too.”

They stayed standing, looking at each other.

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea… getting back with me.”

“I’m not sure it’s a good idea accepting to get back with  _ me _ .”

“Steve… I’m serious.”

“I am too. I’m a mess, Buck. I treated you like crap. I treated my friends like crap for the past four years… making them feel like they shouldn’t grieve Peggy because I refused to talk about her. I fucking punched Sam and he couldn’t even tell me he was now engaged.”

Bucky smiled at that. “Yeah… You’re a terrible friend.”

Steve gave him an unimpressed look, but he smiled too, “I’m sorry I kicked you out. I … you didn’t deserve that.”

Bucky nodded, picking at his nails, a little nervous. “You really love me?”

Steve smiled, nodding as he took a step closer to him. “So much. And I  _ am  _ yours to love. And you’re more than enough. I loved Peggy. Always will. And I love you. And neither lessens the other.” He said sincerely, referencing the letter Bucky had sent. He wanted to assure the man before him, but he wasn’t sure he was doing a good job.

Bucky smiled shyly at him. Then he laughed. “God, Steve. I’m fucking 29 and I’m feeling like those dames in the forties.”

Steve smiled. Then lifted his hand to cup Bucky’s cheek. “I’m really in this. I’ve been in this. Okay? And…if you’ll have me… I’d really like to be with you… til the end of the fucking line.”

Bucky leaned up to kiss Steve, soft and lingering. “I’d like that too.”

Steve reached into his pocket and took out the bracelet, white star gleaming under the fluorescent. “I uh… think this belongs to you.”

Bucky laughed and held out his left hand for Steve to hook it to his hand. “Fucking damsel I am.” When it was on, Bucky lifted his hand to look at it. Steve thought how it kinda felt like Peggy had brought them together.

As they held each other in bed that night. Steve closed his eyes and whispered, “Thanks Peg.”

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Bucky is a literal saint in this story and I love him so much he deserves the world
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you liked it :)


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